What will be, will be.

by Colleen O. 

​What will be, will be: acceptance is the answer and flexibility is the key.
– H.H. Pujya Swami Chidanand Saraswatji –

While recovering from a three-day bender with friends, I found out my older sister was pregnant. Holy shit, I thought, I need a drink! I was 20 years old and obviously had to figure out what this meant about me and my life. After all, the idea of pregnancy wasn’t even conceivable to me, and now my sister, who was 16 months older than me and had gone through most of life’s milestones with me, was having a baby. At that moment, The Clock started ticking. I concluded I wouldn’t have kids until I was 30 or 31, just like my mom.

I spent most of my 20s traveling, exploring different jobs, going to festivals, and practically living at Red Rocks. It was an amazing decade. I eventually figured out work that I was passionate about, started prioritizing a healthy, sustainable lifestyle, and found the love of my life. My husband and I moved to Durango, Colorado, and bought our dream homestead just outside town. We were ready to settle down for a bit.

When I turned 30, I really started feeling the pressure to have kids. My (responsible) friends were doing it. Admittedly, I was beginning to physically crave being pregnant, but I had this deep, sinking anxiety to make a decision that would impact our lives forever. In my head, it was now or never, but “never” sounded more appealing.

I just turned 33, and here I am, still, with no kids. I’m not sure I even want kids. I can’t sort through the whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, conversations, and life changes. I’m not sure what’s fear-based and what my inner knowing is guiding me to do. The part that scares me the most is hindsight and not knowing what’s right until the decision is behind me. By then, it could be too late.

So, before I tailspin, I return to my values. What kind of life am I trying to live? To begin, my worst fear is being stuck in a 9-5 job, which means I’ve succumbed to the power of the consumerism trap. You know, that major pillar of American culture and economy that tells you to work your ass off to buy shit you don’t need at the expense of the earth and all its creatures? No thanks. I want to live sustainably and minimize my negative impact on the earth and others.

Secondly, my husband and I are committed to living an extraordinary life where we create our own path and lifestyle. We want a life full of experiences and connections: connections to people, connections to nature, and connections to the universal energy that binds us all together. So far, this mission has resulted in a life we love, full of travel, adventures, great friends, deep passions, and the freedom to change course at any moment. The questions remain: do kids fit into this life? If so, at what cost?

On one hand…

• Many parents lose themselves and their relationships after having kids.
• A lot of our hobbies and passions don’t work well with kids, so there’s a major lifestyle change.
• Kids = consumerism 
• Kids = expensive
• The earth will be better off with fewer humans.
• Kids give me a deep feeling of being trapped.
• Kids owe you nothing, and you have no idea how they will turn out or if they will even be there for you when you’re old.

But on the other hand…

• I have the best partner, who would make the cutest kids.
• I want to experience having another being live and grow inside of me.
• There is no other connection like that between a mother and their baby.
• Motherhood could be the ultimate experience.
• I love kids (that is, if they’re at least three years old).
• Kids bring joy and love to your life and greater family.
• I would have a family when I’m old.

In summary, I know kids are an essential part of the human experience, and I’m also (kind of) confident that they are not part of my path. It’s clearly a pendulum of emotions. My husband thinks I’m crazy. He says he’d be happy either way. He doesn’t have a strong urge to have kids, but if we do, he wants two. I’m grateful he puts no pressure on me to have kids, but I also feel burdened that the decision is mine. 

Which I guess is the irony of it all: the decision really isn’t up to me. I was recently diagnosed with polycystic ovaries, which can make it difficult to get pregnant. After researching the disease and its side effects, I feel oddly relieved. It’s out of my control. I realized a lot of my stress came from that ticking Clock I started when I was 20. That timeline in my head made me feel like I had to decide and act RIGHT NOW, or else I would lose the option to have kids forever. Knowing how very little control over the matter I have has helped ease the pressure associated with making an irreversible, life-changing decision.

I am happy to say that, at this moment, I am at peace with it all. I am still very unclear about what I want, but I am at peace with not knowing. At this moment, we are enjoying our lives and the freedom we have created for ourselves. We are not trying to have kids, but we are not actively preventing it either. Between my polycystic ovaries and my husband’s high level of weed consumption, our chances of naturally conceiving are lower. I figure if we are confident we want a family at any point in the future, we can get more serious about trying or even consider adoption.

Ultimately, I realized I must let go of trying to control the situation and let this part of life unfold the way the universe intends. I know we will be happy if we have kids, and I know we will be happy if we don’t. Till then, how about that drink?