Another seat at the table

"It is surprising and comforting to know what you can do when love is the driver." 

by Jen L. 

“So, just the one?”

It’s already begun, but we are staying under the radar. After all, our firstborn is only two. 

“There is still a chance.” We “still have time.” I must admit: it’s easier to play along than to draw the hard line. I can’t imagine the uncomfortable moments endured by women who choose to have no children at all. The half-lies and pauses become routine rather than the genuine response. We are happy with one child. It should be so simple. Why the pressure? Why the judgment? And why do I care?
 
I allow the pressures and judgments to bother me because maybe I’m not 100% sure of my choice. Even as I write that, I know I am. But what if my husband regrets our decision? What if my mom wishes she had more grandchildren? My doubts lie in my people-pleasing personality, not in my authentic feelings.

Everything logical lends itself to the one-and-done path: finances, environmental impact, marriage and partnership availability, ample resources and experiences for the only child. I’ve always felt that I will be a better wife, business owner, mother, and all-around person if I am a mother to one and not stretched too thin. As an only child, I feel no underlying requirement to give our son “a friend” or someone to “play with.” We “only children” turn out just as lovely and complicated as those with siblings. 

I watch mothers of multiples and am full of emotions of reverence, admiration, guilt, and intrigue. How do they do it? Is this what I should be doing? Is this what I should want? What is wrong with me that I don’t want it? Can I still feel like a good mom if I only want one child? Does that make me selfish?

If I’m being totally honest, there is some jealousy in there, too. I see women who didn’t have to make a decision to have two or even three. It was just the plan, a given that there would be more, that the family would continue to grow. I didn’t have that in me. Choosing to have or not to have more has been a daunting, exhausting, and very complicated choice. For so many, it just is the way.

But then our son turned three. Something happened to our family at three. We fell into our groove. My first sign should have been the dog. We swore we were done getting more animals, but somehow we said yes to a wild, five-year-old Golden Retriever. Okay, okay, one kid and one dog. Perfect. But maybe we could just try and see what happens. It took us two years to get pregnant with our son. I didn’t expect a quick pregnancy. 

Sixty days later, I was pregnant with our daughter. Overcome with joy, fear, and so much concern for our son, I doubted the decision more than I’d like to admit. I had very little confidence in my ability to mother two children well and agonized that he would miss out or not feel as loved as he did right now. 

My oh my, how I was wrong. Bringing our sweet, absolutely hilarious, ambitious, and fiery girl into our world has been beyond perfect. My husband and I now feel our family is complete—a sentiment I despised parents of multiples using when we had only one. But now, I understand. The thought of our family without our daughter seemed unfinished. And as for our son, he now has his partner. Watching her climb into his lap while they watch a show or grab his hand when we go for a hike, yelling his name as she wakes from her nap, cliche certainly, but it melts my heart. In just two short years together, she has challenged him to be more flexible, and he has fully stepped into the role of caring older brother, helping her through hard toddler moments. My husband and I silently mouth “how sweet” each time we catch these tender interactions, and I am reminded that we are capable of more than we think. 

​On my daughter's wall hangs a framed quote, “We can do hard things.” A tagline of author Glennon Doyle made popular in her book Untamed. I think back to my certainty that I could only be a good mother to one child. The sentiment feels so foreign now. It is surprising and comforting to know what you can do when love is the driver. Is it harder to have two children? Certainly, but trusting our intuition and knowing we had one more seat at the table has brought immense joy to our family. And, World, watch out. Our second kiddo is going to do big things. She was meant to be.